


Staring Out a Window

by GofyTomcat1



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:28:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23896813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GofyTomcat1/pseuds/GofyTomcat1
Summary: Zoe Murphy introspective. Features a (modified lyrics) version of "Waving Through a Window"
Kudos: 1





	Staring Out a Window

'Staring Out a Window'

It's a cold, dark night at the Murphy household.

For Cynthia and Larry Murphy, the distant stars overlook a desperate battlefield, a field where there can be no respite or victory.

Once again, their son has drifted into distance and silence, and they have no clue how to respond. The light of the stars reflect through the windows of their dining room as they confront Connor, pleading desperately for a way into his troubled mind.

For the Murphy's son, Connor, the dark clouds on the horizon seem fitting enough, for they are the telltale signs of the hell that will once again overtake his mind. He's high again, and in his delirium, he has lashed out at his parents, sending the relative peace of this evening spiraling into calamity and chaos once again.

And for Zoe Murphy, the last member of the family, the darkness that surrounds her is far too real. Her life has disappeared into a void of uncertainty, doubt, and anger, and she wants nothing more than to feel 'normal' again, 'normal,' a state she has tried and failed desperately to find again.

As her parents argue with Connor, Zoe sits quietly in her room, on the verge of tears. Connor's erratic behavior has finally broken the last reserves of her morale, and she has fled the battlefield, seeking refuge with her guitar, the magazines she loves to read, and her thoughts.

As the storm clouds drift closer, she opens the shutters, staring out into the distance at the stars which will soon be overtaken by the shifting tempest.

One distant celestial body catches her eye, and she stares at it intently. For just a moment, she believes herself to be standing beside that star, watching helplessly as the modicum of light she is projecting fades into the background, gradually eclipsed by the rolling tides of the approaching clouds.

'I wish someone could see me,' she whispers, shifting her head upwards towards that distant star.

She wants to be seen, she tells herself, a single tear rolling down her cheek as she listens to the screaming and cursing coming from downstairs. She desperately wants to be seen, to be recognized for who she is, to help break the bitter stalemate that has locked her family down.

More than being seen though, Zoe Murphy longs to be heard.

She wants nothing more than for all the fighting and the screaming and the pain to disappear, for her brother to be Connor again instead of the raging demon that has haunted her of late. She wishes for her mother to find some relief from the endless tides of battle that have overwhelmed her, for her father to try and understand the turmoil that has overtaken his wife and children for once in his life instead of waiting for it all to go away.

But more than any of that, Zoe Murphy longs to be found.

She longs for someone who will understand the burden she is facing, someone who will, in their own way, love her for who she is without any expectations or restrictions of their own. She longs for a brother who will talk to her and understand her, for parents who can set aside their differences just long enough to consider the family as a whole before it all falls apart into ruin. And she longs for strength within herself, for the resolve to keep pushing through the turmoil and the strife until the clouds can finally break away and reveal the shining stars again.

Wiping the tears from her eyes, Zoe picks up her guitar and begins to strum the strings, practicing a melody she has been working on for quite some time. The tune doesn't come naturally at first, but, after a couple of efforts, she manages to remember it.

With her eyes still fixed upon that distant star, that single point of light shining amidst the coming storm, she inhales deeply, lets out the breath with a heavy sigh, and begins to sing. Her voice is soft and melodic, drowned out at first by the obscenities and angry words resounding from the kitchen, but she drowns out the distraction, letting the music embrace her, letting her fingers play while her voice sings a requiem for the life she had before, for the life which died when her family fell apart:

'I've learned to secretly hide

All of my fears and uncertainties

I've learned to keep it inside

To only show them a part of me

Give them no reason to stare

No point in standing out anyway

So I just keep to myself

I only say what I need to say

Step out, step out in the sun

And you're gonna get burned

Step out, step out of the sun

That's what I've learned

That's what I've learned

On the inside, trying to get out

Will I ever be more than this fear and doubt

So I'm look, look, looking through the glass

I'm staring out the window

I try to speak but nobody seems to hear

But I know someday that an answer will appear

So I'm watch, watch, watching the time pass

Staring out the window

Can anybody see

Is anybody staring

Back at me?'

She stops singing for a moment, considering her next lines. For a minute, she stares down at a collection of notes and lyrics she has compiled together over the past weeks. She studies them for a minute, and then, after taking another deep breath, begins to sing once more. Her voice grows louder, confidence filling her being, and she lets everything go. Connor, her parents, her loneliness, all of it pours out into her words as she plays and sings, the release cathartic and wonderful all at the same time. Where before she was sitting on the edge of her bed, now she is standing, still staring at that glimmer of hope that is the star in the sky, still praying it will appear again.

'I don't care what they all say

And I won't care if I don't belong

I'll keep hoping for the day

When I can say that I wasn't wrong

Step out, step out in the sun

And you're gonna get burned

Step out, step out of the sun

That's what I've learned

That's what I've learned

On the inside, trying to get out

Will I ever be more than this fear and doubt

So I'm look, look, looking through the glass

I'm staring out the window

I try to speak but nobody seems to hear

But I know someday that an answer will appear

So I'm watch, watch, watching the time pass

Staring out the window

Can anybody see

Is anybody staring...?'

Zoe pauses again. She hasn't sung this far through the song before.

A part of her wants to quit here. It manifests itself in Connor's form, speaking in his voice, in his mocking tone, speaking with that same air of contempt he always uses. 'You can keep going later,' it seems to say to her. 'No one wants to hear this right now. Knock it off and go to sleep.'

She considers the thought for a moment. That part of her brain is right. No one can hear her, no one would ever want to hear her. In the past, she would have set her instrument aside as Connor would have wanted. She would have conceded to his demands, no, to the demands coming from her own distrusting mind. But she will not do so tonight. Tonight, she will keep singing, singing on and on and on as though Connor and her parents and the rest of the world isn't even a part of her reality.

Tonight, she will defy the pain, the fear, the loneliness.

Slowly, she picks up her guitar and begins to play again, her confidence even stronger then before. She sings a lyric she's pondered for the past couple of minutes, testing it, feeling it as though it is somehow tangible.

'When I'm sitting in my bedroom, and there's no one else around

I often ask myself If I ever will be found.'

Her smile widens. She likes the sound of it. Slowly, she sings the line again.

'When I'm sitting in my bedroom, and there's no one else around

I often ask myself If I ever will be found.

When I'm sitting in my bedroom, and there's no one else around

I often ask myself If I ever will be found.

When I'm sitting in my bedroom, and there's no one else around

I often ask myself If I ever will be found.

I want to know if I'll be found

Oh I just want to be found

Before I even make a sound

I know I want to be found.'

She chuckles to herself. Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

'Another chorus and I'll be finished,' she decides.

'On the inside, trying to get out

Will I ever be more than this fear and doubt

So I'm look, look, looking through the glass

I'm staring out the window

I try to speak but nobody seems to hear

But I know someday that an answer will appear

So I'm watch, watch, watching the time pass

Staring out the window

Can anybody see

Is anybody staring back at me...? '

Is anybody staring?

Staring?

Staring?

Staring back at me?'

With a final flourish, Zoe finishes her song. She sets the guitar down, picks up her notebook, and begins to write the words she has just sung down upon the page. After she finishes it, she rips it out of the notebook and pins it to the wall at the head of her bed.

'I'll practice more later,' she decides.

And with those words Zoe Murphy rises, straightens out her shirt, and walks out of her room, walking backwards, her eyes still fixed on the last little bit of light radiating from the distant star.

She's still smiling.

The End.


End file.
